Attachment Trauma: How Attachment Styles can shape Identity Development

WHAT THE START OF AN

ATTACHMENT ISSUE CAN FEEL LIKE

Expand for a Quick, Non-threatening Exercise →→→

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Attachment trauma is when positive expectation turns disappointment, usually followed by a logical understanding that a preferential relationship with a thing, person, etc.. is over, without the emotional closure necessary to stop the pattern of of subconsciously yearning and looking for it elsewhere.

We crave a past feeling, yet fear either a) finding it and losing it again, b) finding it at the expense of a more secure, self-reliant source, or c) both—losing it and only regaining it at an unbearable cost, trapped in a cycle.

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What's scary is that seemingly harmless attachment styles, or patterns of relating to anything, seriously impact identity development, healthfully or traumatically.

How Attachment Trauma plays out within us, when s*** goes south between us (3 Parts)

1. Learning What is Self vs. Other

   
   

We develop an emotional need for connection with those who provide basic survival needs like food, water, and shelter. This need arises from socialization, typically involving our closest caregivers.

We absorb countless social messages, but what’s often overlooked is how we form beliefs about ourselves and how we relate to situations based on early interactions.

Self vs Other Messages- Attachment Breakdown

Anxious Attachment: Fear of losing connections outside of self leads to clinging, because early focus was on maintaining comfort rather than exploring independence (ie. didn't fully feel secure enough to get to focus on self-development).

Avoidant Attachment: Reliance on self and things within one's control, because early attachment figures provided inadequate comfort/ security, leading to mistrust and a focus on solely personal abilities to cope ( ie. compartmentalizing what is self vs other- almost as means to prevent 'cross-contamination').

Disorganized Attachment:  Shifting between self-reliance and dependency/codependency in cycles, driven by unpredictable care. Constantly anticipating chaos and reacting to it (ie. running towards self-reliance when feeling ever so slightly smothered by others, and clinging to those same people when feeling an empty loneliness creeping in).

Secure Attachment:

Motivated to flexibly identify & turn to various sources of comfort and meaning (inside and outside of the self). Early experiences of open communication and trust allow exploration without fear of losing stability or self-reliance. Recognizes the difference between temporary feelings and deeper insecurities.

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2. Discovering Choice & Control

Around the age of 3, we begin to realize that all of these meanings we've been collecting, can also be impacted and influenced by ourselves, our choices, opinions, and actions!

We continue to develop patterns of relational learning from general exposure to things in our immediate environments, but also differential learning ones based on how our choices or actions hold the power to impact responses in the world around us.

These bidirectional learning patterns shape the 'attachment styles' we all love to discuss in the context of relationships.

They fuel our less conscious motivations behind how we see ourselves, how we want to be seen by others, and what we decide to to do in order to reinforce or try to run away from those perceptions.

Now, when the sources we attach to only provide the comfort and security we crave temporarily (link in the food exercise above), under circumstances that cause us to respond in ways that prevent self-exploration or promote it as a means for protection as opposed to healthy development, or inconsistently enough to make us hyper responsive to shifts in emotional needs, we develop traumatic attachment patterns, or 'attachment trauma.'

Choice & Control Messages- Attachment Breakdown

Anxious Attachment:

"I will do anything for those important to me. This fulfills my internal emotional needs."

Avoidant Attachment:

"I can and will do everything in my power to be everything I will ever need."

Disorganized Attachment:

"I will go to whatever extreme I can to offset a waning emotional need, even if it means it'll temporarily have to sacrifice another emotional need."

Secure Attachment:

"I will try my best to do or access what is within my control/ available to me, and that will be enough."

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3. Identity Exploration and Development

   
   

Our caregiving environment and attachment patterns shaped how much space and under what conditions we could explore who we are. External validation highlighted certain traits while others were overshadowed.

In other words, some traits had more room to develop than others.

With attachment trauma, this becomes risky because many traits that were emphasized, while socially desirable, were originally trauma responses.

In people with attachment trauma, we often see quick development of identity masks and a slower development of building blocks for a separate entity called 'identity trauma,' which will most likely surface 15-20 years down the line ↓

Identity Development Messages- Attachment Breakdown

Anxious Attachment: 

The self is within others I surround myself with → "I am the caregiver..." to a fault.

See me for trauma therapy years later, often reporting feeling like imposters.

Avoidant Attachment: 

The self is everything I am & can be, without them → "I'm the independent person..." to a fault. See me for trauma therapy years later, often reporting feeling confident but incredibly lonely.

Disorganized Attachment: 

The self is unfortunately fleeting between them and me → "I am an intensely passionate person..." to a fault. See me for trauma therapy years later, often reporting feeling lost and lonely, and confused.

Secure Attachment:

The self is as dynamic and multidimensional as the complex circumstances I find myself in, inside and out → "I am many things, never everything, but always enough." Don't see me years later for identity, self-esteem, or attachment issues in therapy... unless for addressing trauma related to specific traumatic events or episodes of life.

Attachment Trauma is based in experience, which is fueled by learning. Here's my favorite part about that- learning can't be unlearned, but our responses to it and the parts we emphasize can 100% be.

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Interested in therapy with me? Check out what I'm all about here:

www.carolynleelmhc.com

xoxo,

a Passionate Trauma Therapist with past trauma

Complex trauma is seeing things through multiple non-integrated perspectives

The real problem is that these perspectives sneak up on us in the form of the unhealthy and uncomfortable perceptions... that then influence how we presently move through life and experience quality of it.

I used to see things as they were presented to me. This f***ed me up.

Then, I learned to see those same things through the feelings they gave me about myself and my existence. This didn’t save me, but what came next did.

Deciding whether they were or weren’t practical for my growth, pivoting my mindset where I could, and seeking help for reprocessing the parts that I couldn’t.

As a Therapist & Coach today, I present things in multiple ways for people to see what they feel to be true about themselves in the uncomfortable situations they describe to me.

I like to think that this empowers them to decide for themselves whether they want the belief(s) guiding them through similarly challenging future situations or not.

Sometimes it’s obvious and other times it isn’t.

When it isn’t, I paint a picture of my journey cycling through rigid rule following success, to fulfill a void of non-belonging within majority groups, and rebellious phases of individuation, for any semblance of freedom through independence.

Finally, I explain that complex trauma has many faces, most of which don’t require any specifically mutilating experiences to feel the burden of pain it makes one carry.

Make Up: Therapeutic, Traumatic, or both?

My meaning of 'make up'- sometimes an art form and other times a tool for controlling perceptions of myself.

As far as the controlling perceptions goes, this could be directly for myself, or indirectly for myself, through attempting to manage how others see me.

I have a history of complex traumatic beliefs revolving around themes of helplessness, control, and non-belonging- this is why I am careful with makeup.

Why? So I don't try and turn to it [make up] too much, as yet another means of control, to potentially get too attached to (food, intimacy, exercise, etc...)

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I use make up selectively and you might want to too.

Social norms shape our definitions of beauty and perfectionism- that's not new news.

Make up gives us an opportunity to play around with some of these ideals in a way that without it, we might not be able to experience (just being real).

Make up is essentially a way to participate in our society's social capitol system, often opening even more doors to other forms of capitol like first impressions leading to job opportunities, attention leading on to get special perks and kindnesses from others, and even attention from potential love interests, etc...

It's kind of like shape shifting an exterior paint job, to experience a more rewarding internal reality, with the bonus side-effect of receiving external perks.

The problem is, most of us don't necessarily stop to think about the self-referencing learning and consequently reinforced belief systems that using make up can have on us in the longer term.

Because in the longer term, a). social norms and ideals will change b). aging life experience happens, c). circumstances where similar means of perception control aren't accessible will occur, and d). if we become too reliant on make up, just like with any other substance, activity, or attachment, we'll begin to start defining who we are, based on the perception 'highs' we experience with it.

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Body-esteem and esteem in physical appearance can become confused for, or too enmeshed with, our overall sense of self-esteem.

Healing and or preventing this requires us to stop choosing self-soothing behaviors that reinforce the problem when it arises (putting on make up when not feeling good pretty).

What I do about this:

• When I don’t feel pretty (a vibe for me), I actually end up specifically not wearing make up and turning to a process I've delineated below

• When I do feel pretty (vibe), I might wear make up, but also might not.

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MY WHY:

Not feeling pretty is based on a socially constructed beauty standard we internalize and subconsciously rate (subconsciously, and more metaphorically speaking) our physical self perceptions based on, in any given moment.

Being a memory network therapist, I know that sometimes logic and feeling in the body don’t match up.

So it’s a natural risk that both or just somatic memory will generalize the meaning behind any feeling I have related  to a physical self perception, to my overall perception of self (for better or worse).

Most people might notice this, jump into solution oriented mode and put on make up to feel prettier if not feeling pretty enough.

It makes sense honestly, but it reinforces us in the longer term to seek validation from the skewed beauty ideals that fundamentally shaped the issue in the first place (subjugated messages about what pretty is).

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How you can change you definition of pretty and retrain you mind-body memory to reflexively adopt it

The first step is to meditate on YOUR OWN new meaning behind what the concept of ‘being pretty’ can more healthfully and sustainable suggest about yourself.

Ie, mine is about feeling feminine while unapologetically strong inside and out. 

I used to say feeling capable…. But then I broke my foot lol so I had to adapt, as you might have to too.

Then, draw your attention to a non-appearance related quality about yourself that you’ve had countless past experiences with, in feeling ‘X’ (symbolic of your new definition of pretty). 

Second, reinforce this new meaning by bringing up specific experiences in the past, that led you to have the desirable feelings behind your definition of pretty.

Third, reinforce this new meaning in the now, by first visualizing scenarios that might make you feel it, and then actually seeking out and participating in some of them.

Repeat steps 2 and 3 as if a new part of your daily routine.

What this process does is habitualize somatic memory to engaging in a more preferable response pattern of YOUR CHOOSING, when inevitably having to face future triggers of your previously internalized beauty standards.