Disorganized Attachment is being 'Unfaithfully Needy'

I felt like a volatile magnet when I was growing up.

I'd give my absolute best in trying things, only to see one tiny error, think one "but I could have..." thought, or receive a weird look, well-intended criticism, or even lack of validation that would be interpreted as reason for me to be ashamed of myself.

Plainly stated, shame- avoiding more of it, and building evidence proving against the need to feel it- became like a core motivator for me life.

Shame would motivate me to either quit while I was ahead, not try things I might be bad at, or even slave away at the things I might be good at, in order to prove my worth could be gained through acquired abilities and achievements.

Some back story- Before learning I could use 'control' and personal drive as invaluable resources in becoming the version of myself I wanted to, most validation or attention I received was for simply existing as a very non-typical looking, racially ambiguous child in a grocery cart, being pushed by a blond woman, in a predominantly Caucasian area.

Fast forward to today- Coping with being conditioned to internalizing feelings of non-belonging, but with extreme effort to prove both worthiness of belonging and self-love through doing all the things, and doing them well, didn't work out so well in the long run haha

THIS was the beginning of my story and lived experience with disorganized attachment, which would show up in some of my relationships, but MOST predominately in my life aspirations and the limited paths I thought would help me achieve them...

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As adults we might not realize it, but we approach new situations/ relationships/ hobbies/ roles/ phases of life (with anything and anyone) with a prominence of one of the following...

A). Fear-based emotional baggage (anxious attachment)→ Anticipate loss→ Act to maintain needs

B). Overly protective emotional baggage (avoidant attachment)→ Anticipate loss→ Act to protect needs

C). Inconsistency characterized emotional baggage (disorganized attachment)→ Anticipate loss→ Act more either to maintain or protect needs

D). Practical learning baggage, holding only adaptive life lessons, from a collection of more or less comfortable past experiences (secure attachment style)→ Anticipate experiencing→ Act to live in the moment & learn new meanings (pos., neg., or neutral) to enhance one's future experiencing of thematically similar circumstances.

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If you have a tendency to handle changing relations between things, people, sources of effort/ pay off, pain/ pleasure, etc... with polarized responses of intense anxiety/ clinginess sometimes, and then avoidance, ghosting, and or abrupt cut offs other times, this is characteristic of leaning towards a disorganized attachment style.

Disorganized Attachment- a general pattern of responding to various life circumstances, perceived as threatening one basic emotional need, with a mindset focused on overcompensating for it, in achieving an incredibly strong sense of an opposite or completely different emotional need.

More often than not, these two seemingly conflicting needs involve one's sense of belonging/ connection/ love versus esteem/ independence/ self-sufficient resiliency.

Example Situation: 'Ya get ghosted'

Perception#1: Threatens sense of belonging

Response#1: Prove to self that you need no one, become an exemplar of self-sufficiency

Perception#2: Threatens sense of worth/ value

Response#2: Prove to self that everyone wants you, turn to serial dating for proof of value

[Disorganized Attachment's]... more or less conscious, polarized responses make us feel like we're situationally- aka. unfaithfully- needy or distant.

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To learn more about disorganized attachment check back later for more ramblings of a trauma therapist/ attachment coach, with both personal and professional experience with disorganized attachment.

Xoxo,

Carolyn